Hating waiting

All over bar the screaming and mopping up.
my wife

So we wait in limbo again, but there is a big difference when you are waiting with Hope holding your hand, as last week, and when Hope has betrayed you.

The former may be tense, but the latter aches in a different way. The discomfort and pain seems to move from ancillary muscles – like shoulders, arms and legs – to the heart.

Normally nasty things come with little warning, like a car crash or accident. Even if it seems inevitable to an observer (i.e. “I could see that coming a mile off”) the protagonist is usually surprised or they would have changed their behaviour/direction/reaction.

This is quite unlike that. There is a certainty that provides no comfort and a resignation of waiting for the second punishment – the double-whammy of which seems really unfair.

One could argue that the events are quite different, the first is mainly emotional and now we’re merely waiting for the physical reality to catch up. However, this limbo state does not afford the space for handling the emotions – there is a different sort of tension that blocks that. There is also a steeling yourself to cope with the physical pain to come (well for my wife), but I feel the need to prepare too – not sure what for exactly and it’s really difficult when feeling exhausted from the first event. This leads to, for me at least, a numbness of spirit and soul.

everydaystrange quoted in her comment on my previous post:

All human wisdom is summed up in two words: wait and hope.
– Alexandre Dumas

As I seem to hate both at the moment, it’s probably quite a appropriate I feel dumb-struck and inhuman.


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